That's it!. . . I'm giving up!

That's right. Yet again, I find myself giving up. It's not necessarily a bad thing that I'm giving up. I'm just done. Kaput. Finite. Finished!

I'm tired of being responsible for my life. I'm tired of making mistakes when I can be giving up & letting God take care of it for me. I'm tired of crying over & over the perils of life when my Father is sitting there, saying, "Why don't you let me take this one already?!"

Well, you know what, Dad? I'm doing it. I'm giving it all to You! I'm letting you take the reigns because I, obviously, don't know how to take care of myself. I don't know how to go throughout the day without your guidance or words of wisdom. I don't know how to take care of myself without talking to you about my life. So, I might as well officially resign from the tiresome job of control. I quit. No two-weeks notice or anything!

So, there you have it, ladies & gentlemen. I'm done.

The End.

"Wild at Heart" by John Eldredge

I have decided to take up reading "Wild at Heart" in my spare time. I know that the thought of me actually having free time is hilarious, but I've actually managed to narrow down my work hours to only 50 hrs. per week! Yay for progress!

My motivation for reading this book was to refresh myself with the male psyche & possibly adapt some of John Eldredge's points to our men's ministry at church. I remembered reading some parts of the book in college, but I never had enough time to sit down & read the whole thing. I have to admit that I only read the parts about women the last time I picked this book up (which are SO right on, btw). So, I bought a copy for myself. . . a much-needed refresher!

Honestly, I'm really impressed with John Eldredge's passion for the male heart, but this concept of "discovering the secret of a man's soul" is surprisingly applicable to my own life. Being a book specifically for men, I'm shocked at how I'm actually learning a lot about myself during the read. Most of the book can only be identifiable to a man, but as a woman, Eldredge is easy to understand & identify with.

Here are some things I've learned thus far in this literary adventure. . .


#1. I want to marry a man who's wild at heart! I don't want to marry someone who has been feminized. I don't want to marry a woman, essentially. I want a MAN! I want to marry someone who has a mission, a life purpose, & knows his identity (or "name" according to Eldredge). I want someone who will include me in adventures, fight battles for me, rescue me (the beauty) & win me over. I want a man who will stand up for what he wants, know who he is in Christ, & teach our sons to do the same & our daughters to wait for this kind of man themselves. I want to marry someone who understands what this means & adapt it to his own life.

#2. Danger is exciting! My friend, Daniel & I have had the same discussion multiple times in the course of our relationship (about 3 years now). It's the idea that I don't like scary things & he does.

I am a "feeler" according to my Myers-Briggs test. The majority of my decisions are based on feelings. If I feel like waking up, I'm going to wake up, regardless of what my alarm clock says. If I feel like going to Europe for 6 weeks, I'm going to go, regardless of how much money I actually have. Now, I do have some logic, but it's not my first instinct to think logically about my decisions. I feel it out.

Naturally, being scared is not a nice & warm feeling. It's awful. The uncertainty & unpredictability of not knowing what's going to happen always frightens me. So, I avoid taking risks. I avoid being scared. Now, I don't mean scary like riding a roller coaster or seeing a scary movie. What I mean is "life scared". To me, spontaneously moving to a foreign country for a year to teach English is scary. So, unless I have a really good reason/calling to go or I have someone to hold my hand along the way, my first instinct is to avoid the situation altogether.

Daniel, on the other hand, embraces the scary. He sees it as an opportunity for growth & excitement. He sees the adventure, not the fear. Of course, I'm sure he's been scared before. But, he doesn't let that fear get in the way of the great adventure! In essence, Daniel is very wild at heart.

John Eldredge explains in his book that life is dangerous, especially the life of a man. I'm a woman, so I'm going to just stick with the "life is dangerous" concept. Anyways, life itself is dangerous. It cannot be controlled. But, danger is scary. It's uncertain, unpredictable, out of control. So, danger = scary. According to Eldredge, danger/fear is adventurous. So, fear = adventure. Well, adventure is exciting. So, adventure = exciting. And, according to my Critical Thinking class that I was forced to take my Senior year of college, Danger = Excitement!

Now, I'm not planning on running into speeding traffic anytime soon just for the excitement, but I think I could definitely kick my life into gear & amp up the "adventure level" a bit. I have to admit that the more I take adventurous risks in my life, the more fun it is. Life is fun! Life is exciting! Living itself is extremely adventurous. But, I can't let fear get in the way of living that life, no matter how I feel that day.

#3. I'm not interested in having to "tame" my husband! Eldredge discusses this concept of women wanting to "tame" their men once they get married. He says, "Women are often attracted to the wilder side of a man" (SO true, btw!) "But once having caught him they settle down to the task of domesticating him." He then continues to tell this story. . .

"A weary & lonely woman asked me the other day, 'How do I get my husband to come alive?' 'Invite him to be adventurous,' I said. . . She shrank back, disappointment on her face. 'I know you're right, but I hate the idea. I've made him tame for years.' "

What an absurd comment! What an absurd idea of "taming" your husband, knowingly! Why would you even want a "tame" or well-trained husband anyway? You married a man of adventure. You married someone wild. But, after the wedding is over, you want to take away that wildness? Just because you say your vows & commit does not mean he's less of a man. Embrace the wildness in your man!

I am not interested in taming someone. If I marry a man, I want him for who he is, not who I can manipulate him to be. Plus, training is so much work. I'd rather marry a man who's wild at heart, keep him that way, & put all that energy & focus into training a dog. We could train him to mow the lawn or something! LOL!

#4. Motherhood means allowing the "wildness" to occur in my sons! For some reason, I feel like God is going to bless me with wild boys. I grew up in a family of all girls, so the thought of having boys is hysterical, but also fun & adventurous! There are a lot of women, mothers, who don't know how to allow their boys to be "initiated" into manhood. When boys are young, mothers are their world. But, as that boy grows older & into adolescence, it's extremely important to allow that initiation to occur. Let go. Let it happen. It seems like a challenge & difficult to endure, but it's necessary. When I think about it, I pray that God blesses me with this opportunity. Hopefully, I'll have enough girls to off-set the pain of letting "my little boy" grow up to be a man like his father. (Totally got goosebumps, by the way, just thinking of that image! Yikes!)

So far, this book has been an amazing eye-opener. A spiritual 2x4 smack in the face! God woke me up & allowed me to see things about myself I never realized. It's so interesting how He can use almost anything to get our attention if He needs it. I'm only halfway through the book, but I'm sure I'll have more to say once I'm finished.