I feel like my heart is split. Like, my soul is telling me that I should go in one direction with my life & the other is telling me to go another.
I signed my Call Papers yesterday. Of course, I haven't had a chance to actually stick them in the mail yet, but I signed them! That's one step ahead of where I was a week ago...But, now the thoughts of "settling down" & whether or not I could be at St. Matthew forever is creeping into my mind. I know it's highly unlikely that I'll stay at St. Matthew forever, but I could potentially be there for a while. But, when is enough? 5 years? 10 years? When could I leave? Would I want to leave? Living in Suburbia isn't the ideal, but the ministry here is awesome.
So, I'm left with two different hearts beating in my chest.
Heart #1 wants to be free. I want to be nomadic & travel the world, see everything before picking a spot & staying for a while. I want to feel what it's like to live in the wilderness, the city, the country. I want to move to New York or Chicago or Seattle. Ministry would be so different there. So urban. What would life be like if I could move every year? Maybe even go back to college? Something other than Starbucks, Targets & McDonalds.
Heart #2 loves this ministry at St. Matt. The youth are awesome, the church is a family & my volunteers care about ministry & getting involved! In the year that I've been here, I've seen numerical & spiritual growth. God is blessing this church & ministry & I want to be able to see the fruition of my labor. Of course, this can't happen unless I stay for a few years. Maybe I'd be willing to do that??? Stay 5 years. 10 years? If this is where God wants me to be, then I should be here. If there's ministry to be done & I can do it "successfully" then I should stay.
Right?
I think the whole issue here is the fact that this is the first time in my life where there's no deadline or ending date. Before this point in my life, I always had an expiration date: high school - 4 years, college - 4 years, Internship - 1 year. So, now what? When is the expiration now? It unnerves me to think of the possibility that there is no deadline. I could be here 1 year or 5 years.
So, what's the plan, Stan? Well, of course I'm staying. I love my youth & for the time being, I don't mind staying here. In fact, it's kind of growing on me. I guess the rest will just be addressed later. . . We'll cross that bridge when we get there!
As far as the hearts go. . . Maybe it's good that I have several heart beats? It keeps me grounded & rooted. When we get comfortable, that's when we stop growing, right? God wants me to grow right now & that's what I'll be doing!
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Growth happens when you're comfortable. I think that growth happens whenever God wants it to happen. God is definitely blessing you in the ministry you're working with at St Matts. I've seen how you've grown and developed as a leader, a DCE, a friend, and a Child of God over the last year. You might want to be nomadic and move around every year, and I'm sure that God would bless that as well, I think that by giving your time and energy to your students and your church family, you'll see that "fruit of your labor" come to be. I know in the 2 years that I've been here (and I was terrified to the permanency of the "call"), I've seen my kids grow in ways I never thought possible. I've grown in ways I never imagined. And Kels, I can't wait to see what God's got in store for you! :-) Blessings my friend!
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